LIVING WITH ABUSE

Please be warned that I write about child sexual abuse below. I do not write specifically about the abuse but rather about its impact on my life.

I have been having a hard time since deciding to make an application to the National Redress Scheme that was established in response to the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse. With everything that has been happening lately in Australia on the topic of abuse I felt that it was time that I took another step in my journey to live with abuse.

I knew that it would be difficult. I knew I would have a negative response. I paused when making the application to discuss with my wife whether or not I should continue. We both decided that it was important that I took this step, knowing full well the impact it may have.

My experience of the scheme has not been positive. It has been just over a month since I made my application, with the agency noting most applications are completed within 3-12 months. The process is impersonal and cold - it is too transactional. There is a focus on absolvement and finality that doesn’t fit well with the abuse or its impact. While monetary compensation was not my main reason for making an application it is otherwise minimal (ranging from below $5,000 to $150,000) and, in my opinion, unfairly categorised based on whether or not penetration occurred.

It has been one of the longest months I can remember. My sleep has been terrible, nightmares have returned and my stress and anxiety levels are high. I’ve been on edge not knowing what is happening and just waiting for something to happen. As I note in my impact statement - I am better at recognising these emotions and their impact on me physically and emotionally than I used to be, but that doesn’t lessen their impact nor the energy required to manage them.

As I am unable to sleep again, and unable to force myself to be productive on tasks that I need to complete such as research and my PhD, I’ve decided to write something and share part of my abuse impact statement to help work through this process. I struggle to know what to share and when. I don’t expect anything from anyone. More than anything this is a way for me to think through my abuse and my life with it, and to force myself to do something that I need to do - to write.

One reaction does bother me - a response I often receive, or that I perceive, is that I am a big boy that can deal with it. “You’re so successful” some will say, while family and others will note they’ve read something I have written or that they have seen me on TV. Like I wrote - I don’t expect anything from anyone. We all have our own lives that we are living. But we should be able to expect more from others as a community and so much of what has been happening lately reiterates just how far we have to go.

This kind of attitude that I have experienced goes hand-in-hand with another long-term response that I have received - the belief or idea that I am lazy or not trying. Just get up, get going, move on, get things done. For the most it is an attitude I have internalised. I graduated both of my undergraduate degrees, I got a job, I travelled a bit, I got married and I tried to just get on with it - to not be lazy, to be productive, to push on. The cost has been heavy and almost total.

Internalising this attitude has been one of the most dangerous things I have done; something that really only caught up with me as I started to break down in my mid-to-late twenties. The anxiety and stress was crushing. I just couldn’t force myself through anymore. The toll both physically and emotionally has been significant. I turned to things I had always done, but in a much bigger and abusive way - alcohol, gambling, drugs, any distraction that I could get my hands on that would keep my mind busy. My personal and professional life have suffered.

I had significant trouble managing relationships. I’d throw myself into particular tasks while others would suffer. I’d seek approval when it wasn’t needed or not there and still fear retribution or trouble for something that I hadn’t done or wasn’t responsible for. I take a lot on and have trouble saying no. Doubt has lingered over everything I do. From whether I am good enough for something or a task, to whether what I am doing is correct. All of this I believe stems, at least in a significant part, from the abuse I suffered. I was hardwired to respond and behave in a particular way and I further hardwired myself to behave in a particular way in order to survive.

And at almost two metres tall, and too far over 100kgs that I am happy to admit, I am a “big boy” with a big beard and the expectation remains that I will deal with it. And I will, but not in the way which that attitude expects, nor in the dangerous ways that I have before. In many ways I am still that little boy from 1993 in the photo above; now however I am in my early 30s learning to live all over again.

IMPACT STATEMENT

It is hard to know what to write. I felt confident enough to make this application when I first made the decision to do so. After a long time of not wanting to pursue anything formal, as I have preferred to keep things to myself and have ended up pursuing other avenues of release, I felt that I had reached a point in my life where I was able to take things further. The arrival of my son has been a big part of this. I think often about the kind of father I want to be and how I would like to support my son as he grows. 

I graduated from a Bachelor of Arts in 2008 and a Bachelor of Laws (Hons) in 2012 and am currently enrolled part-time in a PhD. I am 33 years old. I am married and have a young son. This is only part of my story, however. I have struggled, especially in my twenties, with alcohol and gambling addictions. I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety, and lately with PTSD. I have also suffered since a young age with suicidal ideation. I have attempted suicide seriously once in my late twenties. 

The abuse I experienced at the [redacted] have not been my only issues. I come from a troubled family background that included abuse - it was this troubled family (typified by having a single mother, being from a low socio-economic background and being Indigenous) that I believe made it easy for people to single me out for abuse and for our family to be a target. 

As I have gone through several drafts of the details of my abuse and its impact on my life, however, my anxiety and stress levels have risen. I am now in a better position than I have been previously. I am now able to identify rising, negative emotions and their impact on me physically and emotionally. I am now able to identify my response to them in order to manage that response in a more healthy way. That ability however does not lessen the impact those emotions have, including on my sleep and mood. It takes a lot of energy to manage myself through times like these. 

 My personal and professional life suffer. I turn away opportunities and take much longer than normal to complete simple tasks. Most of the time I want to sleep all day. I often spend extended periods of time sleeping. [Redacted] I find it hard to keep routine for longer than a month or two at a time before I falter. It takes me a couple of weeks or more to re-focus and get back on track.

I have taken multiple breaks from writing this application. I discussed the situation with my wife. We discussed whether it is worth continuing with the application at all considering my current reaction and the potential for my anxiety and fears to increase. I fear not being believed and negative responses from others. I have tried to be more open with others and share my experience, including that I am making this application in the hope that by doing so I will help others but that I will also be able to rely on the support of others. No matter how much I develop and learn to understand the impact of my abuse, however, my fears and anxieties remain. The only difference over the past five years has been my seeking help to better develop techniques to manage the impact of this abuse on my life. 

It is hard for others to understand. For many looking at my life I have been successful. Especially when considering where I have come from. Yet when I explain the daily anxiety, I am often met with disbelief, no matter how well meaning the attempt to understand from others is. It is hard to communicate the impact of daily anxiety and stress. Whether in the workplace or at a conference or when getting ready for a meeting - the expectation and unknown interaction of meeting with others, no matter how well prepared I am, can be overwhelming. It is exhausting. Some days even the sound of an email arriving on my laptop is enough to set my anxiety off. 

I have been seeking professional treatment and have been medicated for the past five years. The toll on my life (professionally and personally) however is hard to explain. I have given up on and missed many personal and professional opportunities as mentioned because of my confidence and trust issues. I believe these issues have stemmed from and been confounded by my abuse. 

I suffer from intermittent periods of severe depression. I find it hard to get out of bed and to be motivated to do anything including my work and attending to my personal life. This has greatly affected by professional life also including progress over the years and most recently in being able to concentrate and make progress on my PhD. I have passed on employment opportunities because of severe anxiety and stress that I have felt about having to take them up and placing my trust in people and environments that I do not know. This is despite assurances that everything will be ok; I simply find it impossible to trust anyone. 

At times, especially during my twenties, when I have wanted to turn to services including the church or Christian organisations, I have been discouraged from doing so because of my experience. When my suicidal ideation has been particularly bad, I have wanted to turn to the church for help but have felt unable to do so. Any potential relationship that I may have had with Christ and the church or religion more broadly has been ruined. I cannot dissociate religion and Christianity from the abuse that I suffered and the hypocrisy I believe underpinned it. I cannot forget the lies that I was told and the justifications that were used by people in positions of power over me. 

[Redacted].

My trust and anxiety issues have impacted all aspects of my life. Education, relationships, work - everything. I have an extremely tough time being able to trust people and I am often quick to overreact emotionally when I perceive someone has slighted me. For me, these experiences remind me of my abuse and the justifications that were used to explain what happened. My memories of these events tell me that I am worthless - that I am so worthless that I could be used and abused in such a way. It is to feel entirely without purpose or meaning and without the hope or expectation of being able to get through my emotions and feelings of self-pity and hate. 

[Redacted]. 

[Redacted]. 

These impacts have had a larger effect on my health and depression. I am lucky that I have a loving wife and have recently welcomed a baby boy. Despite the challenges I face, I have decided to make this application as the next step in being able to move forward with my life and understand and process what has happened to me. I do not want my abuse and the negative impact it has had on my life to result in my son and family being held back from living life to the fullest. 

I hope that by going through this experience I can take another step forward in my journey toward living a better life, not only for myself, but for my wife who has shown me so much love and care and for my son and any future children that I may have. I do not want my children to be scared or restrained from experiencing life to its fullest - including religion if they choose - because of my own negative experiences.